Udaipur is over, and just like other trips, It made me bleed with uncontrolled anxiety, desperation, feeling of worthlessness and guilt of traveling yet again.
On the second evening, I saw the phase which took me back to the school days. Days of torturous self-control, when the blood pressure beats like hammer in the head, teeth cringe like it's just a degree away from the freezing point, palms sweat, eyes stood still, unaware of the surroundings, voiceless murmuring and urge to scream so loud that lungs come out of the mouth, but on the outside...
Sitting and giving an absent smile.
Floor filled with people, dancing and singing, some drinking some talking and there I was sipping water, drop by drop.
I tried thrice to join the dancing gang again, however, after dancing just for a few minutes, it felt like punishment. Punishment is given by me to myself for doing which I thought was the right thing to do at that time.
I texted (to her who knows how to tackle these conditions) What the hell is wrong with me? Why I have become an emotionless machine? Why my mind play games with me? She suggested don't do what you don't want to do, and probably, she was right whereas, she didn't understand, I wanted to participate, it wasn't a pressure put upon me. I was the one who introduced everybody to everybody. I was the ice breaker of that night, I started the dance and now there I was, sitting like a broken machine which doesn't work.
I decided to let go and went down the room leaving everything except for the book and read that night till 4 am. Since then I stopped using my phone and stopped attending any message or calls and did not talk to anyone in the hostel also. I spent most of the time either reading, writing or just sitting next to the ghats drinking coffee over and over without any human interaction.
I lived Udaipur in those days. Work, people, rejections and anxiety stood by me for some time though, it still comes up time and time till now. It helped me understand what was wrong with me, what were the reasons from the past which came upon the surface that night and triggered an uncontrolled splash of emotions. Post that night things improved.
As I wait for my flight at the airport, I feel better and accomplished. Taking back memories, respect and certain aspects of my puzzled self to work on. If I have to summarize my trip in a sentence it would be :
Take the step for your betterment, the universe knows what you need, it will help you sometimes by success and sometimes by failure, just stick by.