Hi. My name is Gun. The reason why I am writing this down is to clarify my thoughts and emotions that have been questioning the very existence of life itself. The honest and unfiltered navigation of my heart.
21st of May Sunday 2016 is when I started weeping again from what it feels like to be coming from the bottom of my heart. Just like when you were born; You cry…
Just like how you don't quite remember why and what made you do so.
Just like when you were born before you had a name.
One day when I was staying at a small temple for a couple of days in South Korea, I remember weeping and crying relentlessly and one monk came up to me and said, "how rude to show your attachment towards an earthly matter." Then I remember saying to him "go away! I am weeping because I want to!". He had a smile on his face saying; "well now you know how it feels like to be human. What it is like listening to your heart".
I still didn't understand fully and in this case, it was a major contributing factor to lead me to travel alone with the least amount of resource I can afford to my capability. I prepared the trip for two years while working as a public service agent under the National Compulsory Military service in South Korea Seoul, not knowing how long or where the journey is going to lead to. At that point, I was sick and tired of living in perpetual routine and not being able to explore the experiences of other lives bound by economic shackle that we are all part of.
From many of my friends family and people I met throughout daily life up to this point, I have always sensed somewhat "belonging to nowhere." It's not that I don't love the people around me or I dislike the state of being around other people, in fact, I love other people more than myself which might have been the problem that dragged me apart feeling like I don't fit in anywhere. This is something I kept secret to my close friends and family to this day since I couldn't even express what I was feeling to the point where I almost got numb.
Since day one, I started backpack traveling from Canada with some fear and perhaps maybe even attempt to run away from society, I was terrified of turning down the expectation of others who trust me. So I became nobody and started wandering around to find answers without calling anything a name. I just wanted to see things as they are.
I became a farmer, dishwasher,
camera-man at a strip club for a night,
hung out with street performers and all of the travel money stolen the day before I left Cuba. There were groups of amazing fellow backpack travelers who were mostly on a holiday that helped me reach Mexico City. That day was also the day when I thought I should just quit and go back home. But I was very surprised when I returned to the "casa" where most Korean travelers were staying at, they were collecting some money to donate in order to safely cover the expenses for me to reach Mexico City. Their faces still linger in my head and the part of my memory is wishing to see them again one day to properly thank so many of those whom I can't recall all of their names...
All of these things led me to keep moving forward despite sometimes feeling like " I don't want to continue this anymore". From all those who helped a person like me along the journey, I realize it is very easy to fall into an impression that "do I really deserve to keep doing this while always getting help from other people? Was I always this helpless? Am I causing trouble for anybody?".
However, this also gave me profound insight into my heart that we cannot live without one another. Not a single piece of cloth that we wear all day is made in vain, not a single food we consume should be taken for granted. Everything we do and participate in this society is connected directly to individual lives and to the environment. Which is no surprise to know.
No wonder we feel separated from everything else by defining ourselves with the ego. No wonder we feel so alienated by everything. It is an experience that can't be explained in words or even by thought alone. These things have to be felt and even that is an understatement. Because I am still naive as a child and curiosity will never stop. I also understand that no one is perfect and that there is no need to be.
When I was in a foreign school in a foreign country for four years during my childhood, I was labeled as a trouble maker, drop out and a really hot-headed kid. Teachers will tell me you will never be this or that. My parents, however, have always supported me to this day in which I can't describe how much I feel appreciation for them having to go through such turmoil throughout my childhood.
Nonetheless, I was a happy kid. Always being fascinated by nature and this burning desire for adventures just by watching Indiana Jones and animation like one piece that really put it through my heart.
It really puts me into perspective that anyone can learn this form whatever experience you might be going through. Because it's the environment that shapes the behavior and not some predestined gene that determines our path.
If there is such a free will, it could be the relationship that we have with this world and that to me, is wealth.
STAY CURIOUS